there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
cat food counts as protein by the way
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
