last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
