Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
