I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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