When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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