Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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