I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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