her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
