you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
