What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
