Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
