i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
