if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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