i wish starbucks made bloody marys
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
