She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
