We should be called the Road Head Warriors
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
