I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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