if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Found your dick twin last night
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
