So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
