Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I will pee on everything he values.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
