I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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