You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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