She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
