u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
