I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
