Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
