i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
