I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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