Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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