dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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