Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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