He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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