Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
