Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
This is not my ceiling
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
