Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
she peed on how many people?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
