The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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