Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
