it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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