I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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