Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize