oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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