tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
