Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
