i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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