My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
