what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
