I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
