we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just pee around me
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize