I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
