saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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