I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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