I'm laying in your front yard are you home
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
