When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
