I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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