Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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