Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
