You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
