my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
