i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she peed on how many people?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
