quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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