wakey wakey hands off snakey
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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