went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize