I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
