there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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