I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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