If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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