There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
