so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
