I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
